Tales of AgaThor the Super Kitten, Part 3

I went to visit AgaThor tonight. As soon as I walked in…

AgaThor: “You’ve abandoned me!”

Me: “Your other mother has been taking care of you while I move into my new home.”

AgaThor: “Your new home? More like my bachelor pad. My other mom feeds me and pets me and changes my diapers, but she can’t take pictures of me or use the internet. My fans are forgetting about me!”

Me: “We’re all pretty busy, little guy. And, I kinda posted the video of you scared poopless when you visited my new house. So, no one really thinks you’re a superhero anymore. Just a cute cat in a diaper.”

AgaThor: “WTF, mom! Why don’t you ever post embarrassing stuff about Artemis and Persephone? And, you’re totally messing with my street cred. And, anyway, your house is scary. Even Batman would crap his pants in there.”

Me: “So…you’re saying I’m pretty badass, right? I mean, if I can live there, I must have some super superhero powers, right?”

AgaThor: “Stop trying to steal my thunder.”

Me: *geek snort* “Have you yost your yittle funder, Aggie?”

AgaThor: “STOP CALLING ME ‘AGGIE’!  Anyway, did my other mom tell you about how I stopped a carjacking last week?”

Me: “No, she sure didn’t. I didn’t hear about it on the news, either.”

AgaThor: “Of course you didn’t. Who the hell is going to believe that a cat in a diaper stopped a carjacking? When the lady called the cops afterwards, they just laughed at her. It made me so mad. But, at least she knows that I’m the hero.”

Me: “Pictures or it didn’t happen.”

AgaThor: “I don’t have opposable thumbs! How the hell am I supposed to take pictures?!”

Me: “Didn’t happen.”

AgaThor: “I’m going to tell my other mommy on you, meany face.”

Me: “I want a full description of the woman you saved, her car, and the criminal.”

AgaThor: “I can do better than that! I got her phone number! I decided before I gave her a call, I’d buy a new top of the line cloth diaper. It’s pretty bling, right?”

Me: “Let me get this straight. You’re a special needs adult cat that wears a diaper and has an oversized ego…that’s trying to impress a human woman with your new diaper purchase. Do I have that right?”

AgaThor: “Stop player hating.”

Me: “Dude, she’s totally going to fall for it. What chick doesn’t dig an egotistical cat in a diaper?”

AgaThor: “I knew it!”

To be continued…

Tales of AgaThor the Super Kitten, Part 2: AgaThor’s Christmas List

I am drowning in paper work. Technology is supposed to make life simpler and keeping track of expenses easier. I’m not buying it. I feel like balancing my checkbook has become a daily chore. As I stare at the receipts, the bills, and my checkbook, my mind begins to wander. Just as I begin to daydream about slaying Darkspawn in a Dragon Age-like universe, something pulls me back to reality. I look down and AgaThor has a paw on my leg…and a piece of paper in his mouth.

Me: “AgaThor, what is that in your mouth? Are you playing with mommy’s bills? PLEASE don’t chew those up.”

AgaThor spits it out of his mouth and looks at me like the bratty hormonal teenage boy he is and says, “It’s my CHRISTMAS LIST! You haven’t even asked me what I want for Christmas yet. You realize it is December, right?”

Me: “You made a Christmas list? I change your diapers, give you a bath, feed and house you daily, serve as your unpaid PR agent, and you made me a Christmas list?”

AgaThor: “I’ve been very nice and saved numerous two-legged and four-legged citizens in my first nine months on this earth. I’m a superkitten. I HAVE NEEDS! And, I’m not a big fan of this speciest attitude of yours. What, humans deserve Christmas presents but badass superkittens don’t?”

He is right. If the twenty-five people on my Christmas shopping list deserve presents, why doesn’t he? Recently, he hasn’t been the nicest kitten I’ve ever met. He’s going through puberty and hasn’t been neutered. He is quite the moody one. However, the number of insects he has saved me from in the last two months alone is noteworthy. Despite that, I am still skeptical about his supposed crime-fighting and life-saving adventures.

I have to admit that his guilt trip worked like a charm. I give him a little pet on the head and reach for his Christmas list saying, “Ok, let’s see what’s on this Christmas list of yours.”

DSCN2858

In case you can’t read his horrible handwriting or understand his horrible drawings, I’ve transcribed the Christmas list for you:

Aga4’s Xmas List

  1. Jet pack
  2. Manly superhero kitten bed
  3. Catmobile
  4. CATNIP!
  5. Police scanner
  6. Cat Cave

Am I the only one that noticed that his Xmas list is vaguely shaped like the state of Ohio? Anyway…

Me: “Why do you need a jetpack when you can fly?”

AgaThor: “It takes a lot of effort. I get SO tired.”

Me: “And, you need a car and a secret lair?”

AgaThor: “What superhero doesn’t?”

Me: “Superman doesn’t need a car.”

AgaThor: “Your mom.”

Me: “What kind of comeback was that?”

AgaThor: “OH MY GOD! A HARMLESS FLYING INSECT! Don’t worry, mom, I’ll save you!”

Me: “Thanks?”

To be continued…

Tales of AgaThor the Super Kitten, Part 1!

Tonight, AgaThor and I had a discussion about his superhero status. He’s been mum on what his abilities are and when he uses them. Obviously, it’s not when I’m around. I really want to know. His blog is getting so popular that it’s starting to go to his head. JACKPOT! After months of trying to pry information out of him, he’s starting to brag and that means I’m getting the down low.

I asked him why I never see him use his superhero powers. He divulged that it is because human brain waves emit different frequencies while asleep than they do while awake. Basically, there is a specific frequency that human brain waves emit while awake that is like kryptonite for Super Kittens. WHO KNEW?! So, he can only use them when we aren’t home or when we are sleeping.

Me: “What are your super powers?”

AgaThor: “I can fly and I’m not scared of very much. Like, this one time, when you were sleeping, a really large spider was trying to crawl into your bed, but I snuck up on it, and then BOOOM! We were in a fight and only one of us was gonna make it out alive. I won.”

Me: “Thanks for looking out for me, AgaThor.”

AgaThor: “No probs. That’s what I’m here for.”

Me: “By the way, how do you get out of your cage when we’re not awake or at home?”

AgaThor: “Doood, obviously I have secret tunnels that you DON’T KNOW ABOUT. Helloooo! I’m a superhero!”

Me: “Oh! (rolls eyes) So, what other daring feats of superhero-ness have you done?”

AgaThor: “Last week, there was a cat about to cross the street and for obvs he was gonna get hit by a car. So, I went outside and flew in at the last-minute to drag him out from in front of the car. I mean, honestly, what’s up with outdoor cats? He was just staring into the lights…completely frozen!”

Me: “YOU WENT OUTSIDE?! You realize your back legs don’t work?! You would be easy prey for some mean dog, coyote, raccoon, or vulture.”

AgaThor: “What about SUPERKITTEN don’t you understand, woman?! When you can fly, your back legs matter a whole lot less. I can just levitate my rear end. The chicks dig it, by the way.”

Me: “Is that so? Well, then why was there a dead cat on the road two mornings ago? Why didn’t you save that cat?”

AgaThor: “RIP to my homeless homey. Can you pour some purified cat water on the ground in honor of him? He ran with the Big C gang…”

Me: “The WHAT gang? So, you’re hanging out with gang members now?”

AgaThor: “Those kids in the Big C gang are a little misguided, but they’re good guys! They just need a positive role model…”

Me: “Let me guess. They need a role model like you?”

AgaThor: “WHOA! What are you implying? ANYWAY, I mourn his loss, but my superpower IS NOT fortune-telling. I can’t predict what is going to happen. It’s just that if I see something about to happen or happening, I can do something about it. BTW, if you buy me a police scanner, I can be of a lot more use to this city. Just sayin’.”

Needless to say, friends, I am a little skeptical. I rolled my eyes at him and he just dragged his diaper-wearing ass away in a huff.

To be continued…